I have never felt so down in my life. Raph and I broke up two weeks ago and I think this one's for good. I'm not quite sure if it's really for the better but I feel so down right now. I told myself I should feel better after a week but 2 weeks have passed, i still feel like shit. I'm not as strong as I think I am. It's really hard for me to just forget the 3 years we've spent together. Quality-wise-- our relationship was in a black hole with no room to grow and no space to breathe.. But still, I want to be in that black hole with the thought in my mind that we'll get out of it and live like how most of the couples we know do. It's heartbreaking to be with someone who doesn't even try to work things out when all you do is to try everything so that what you both have doesn't fall apart. Well I think that's just the way it is.. He doesn't want this as much as I do. I don't know how to cope up with this. I don't know how they do it -- moving on that easy. I just can't let go of the idea that we'll last forever. Cliche, i know. I've spent many nights pondering on the reasons why it didn't end up the way I planned it to be and I must admit, it wasn't that difficult. There were issues that I just couldn't let go and also, the fact that things have changed made us drift apart. My friend, Lira, told me that to be able to move on, I should understand why things went wrong and I should just accept it. Right now, I understand everything but I can't accept the fact that it's really over between us. This is really heartbreaking for me. I show my friends this facade that I created to mask the sadness that I really feel which is really hard for me because at the end of the day, I end up crying myself to sleep. It's just so hard to show them how sad and depressed I am because I know all my friends and family members are already tired from this fucked up relationship as much as I am. I'm not saying naman na they gave up on me, I just prefer to keep this to myself since no one can help me but myself. I just wonder how he does it. It looks like he's okay and he's not even affected with what has happened.. But what do I know diba? It's devastating how he left me just like that.. Without even saying a decent good bye. Up to the last chat that we had, he just continued to push me away. This is not really easy for me. It's so hard to get over someone you planned your whole life with.
I think that the first step I should do is to keep my distance from Raph's friends or anyone that I became friends with because of Raph. It'll be hard for me to do such thing since I've already created a strong foundation with these people but I think it will be for the best. No matter how much effort I put into these relationships I have with these people, syempre Raph will come first for them. One incident with his friends has already happened that made me feel bad and made me realize that... Nevermind. Basta i just want to emphasize that I was there for them when they were at their lowest and when they needed a friend pero now that I'm the one in need, waley. Hukersss. I feel bad right now but I think naman after a few weeks i'll get over it. I love them as much as I love my other friends but I think being friends with them now won't help me move on. If my dad was able to do it with us, siguro I can too. I always do things for other people, this time ako naman.. I'm surely going to miss them.
I'm tired of feeling down. I'm tired staring blankly into space. I'm tired of thinking about all the what ifs. I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay. I'm tired of wondering how he is right now. I'm tired of thinking if he already has someone new. I'm tired of of waiting for his reply whenever I try to call/text/chat him. I'm tired of wishinh that I would see him in random places. I'm tired of being stupid. I'm tired of being head over heels with a person who doesn't even care about me. I'm tired of loving him unconditionally. I'm tired of waiting for him. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired. I don't know why I still want us to get back together despite the differences that we have and the issues that we haven't resolved yet (and probably never will). I know someday someone better will come into our lives, the one who would sweep us off our feet.. The problem is that I don't want something better because I believe I already had the best. I don't want a perfect relationship; I want challenges. -- in this way, after every fight that we have.. We'll still walk in public, holding hands, showing people that we can surpass every challenges that come our way and we fall deeper in love after every obstacle. ..but unfortunately, that's not the case. If only he thinks the same way as I do, everything will be alright. It's just sad that he doesn't know how much I love him and how bad I want to fix this. Well, I can't force him naman na to like/love this relationship as much as I do. A relationship involves two people.. Eh ako lang may gusto nito. I don't want to force him to get back with me. Crazy thought. I just wish he would at least talk to me about what happened. Loving a person unconditionally isn't easy.. And so is moving on. Martyrdom, yes? Hay. I wanna feel better. I love him so much it hurts. Nakakahiya ako. :(
