This sleepless night left me wondering on things that happened to me this past few months.. People just come in and out of my life leaving no trace at all, i tend to ask myself.. what happened to me? Have i changed or is it just because i have taken them for granted. For years of living, this i think is the hardest part of it. I don't know who my real friends are.. Taking a journey to the past, i realized that
i had the best set of friends that anyone could ever have.. The ones who'll be there when you're really at your lowest, who'll you'll have fun with eventhough you have nothing to do, etc. I wonder, why did i ever leave them knowing that i'll be more than happy just having a special bond with them. I took a risk when i left them for another group of friends, the ones who i think are just there when you're having a good time but will never be there when you have problems. I'm not saying that they aren't for real or anything, there are some close friends from this certain group who i know will always be there for me no matter what. but talking about it as a whole, we aren't that SOLID set of friends. We talked about this a million times, if we're just friends because of the 'title' or we are REALLY friends til the end. Until now, i don't know. I don't regret naman that i joined this group, the only thing is that i left my real friends for this one. I mean, you get the whole idea. Because of this leaving shits, i lost my other friends din but i think this brought me to the point that i knew who's real and who isn't. But this early, who am i to tell? I've met so many people that i know i wouldn't meet if i stick with the old one, but that doesn't matter at all... again, just having them will be more than enough. Hmm. Oh well, i learned a lot from them and the moments we had were something to be remembered and cherished. Moving on, with my past relationships.. i don't know, i don't regret any of them it's just that now, i'm having a hard time picking the right guy for me. I've been so gago after my last relationship.. I had 6 guys in 2 months, eversince we broke up and i know that isn't good. I haven't found myself the RIGHT GUY, or is it just that i took them all for granted thinking that there are lot of other guys who'll come into my life. I know out of that 6 guys, 3 of them were for real.. they're the ones who i know will be different from the others but what did i just do? Nothing... I just left them hanging. This is not right. I've been trying to figure out why things happen this way it left me to an answer..
I try hard to look for my 'ideal guy' and get blinded by it that i don't consider the guys who were just infront of me. Why am i still searching? Why can't i settle with what i have?.. That's the problem,
how can i settle with someone when that someone doesn't really exist. And yea, another problem is that
when i have a SOMEONE... i'm not not contented and eventually, i will have SOMEONE ELSE. So, you get it.. Why do i play with them? So there, karma found me.. not becuase my ex played with me but this whole idea of a messed up life, it's karma. Well, i promised myself that IF i had a new guy, i wouldn't do to him what i've done to my other pasts.. Really, life is a winding road.. why can't i just straighten up my own road. Actually, i realized that i can.. if and only if i deal with my mistakes and hopefully change for the better. Everything really happens for a reason.. Oh well, grabe thinking of what happened to me and my life.. naisip ko na i've been living a 'patapon' life this past few months. I don't study, i just go with the flow. I'm too laid back to do something productive. I don't go to mass and i don't pray, lack of faith really answers every questions i have. I don't listen attentively to what my heart's been telling me, when i want something.. i just do it, not minding the people i know who'll get hurt or as they say 'matatapakan mo'.
I'm too brave to do what i want but I lack courage to deal with the consequences. I want a new life, i want a new Tere. This, i think, is the right time to right what's wrong. It's time to change my messed up life.. it's the right time to be
SOMEONE.
-- So there, expect changes. I'll take one step at a time. It aint easy for me, really.
